also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
