I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
