I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
