Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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