god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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