you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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