he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
That reminds me...we need to get swords
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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