My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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