a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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