As long as you're not dating white guys again.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
