I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Shitshow foam night was such a success
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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