Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
