I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
