I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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