Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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