Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
