the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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