You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
