I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
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