Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
