New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
