It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
