Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
