college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
