did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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