At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
