just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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