On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
