Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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