I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
