guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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