Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
