Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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