I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
