Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
