when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
