Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
