I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
