So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
