Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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