It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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