p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
