i think i have herpe
just one?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
