i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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