Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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