I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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