Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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