took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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