Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
