I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
