Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
