I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
